Do you believe in love after love?

If music be the food of love, play on. That is courtesy from my Ordinary Level literature class where we had to read Shakespeare’s 12th Night, among other books. Feste was my favorite character. Highly intelligent but just born to the wrong caste at a time where opportunities were not as abundant as they are today. The magic about this character is that he realizes the opportunity cost of his own misfortunes, and adopts a damned if you do damned if you don’t type of attitude. As such he does whatever he wants. This I feel allowed him to be the jester (fool) to Countess Olivia. Even though he was there to entertain them Feste always snuck in a few sly jabs to his bosses in an intelligent enough manner that it was not detected. Take this for example, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew were chilling shooting the breeze enjoying some privilege when the Feste, the fool, comes about; one of them comments, “Here comes the fool, I’ faith” Then without hesitation Feste says, “How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture of “we three”?” We three is the name of a picture of two asses (donkeys), so he was calling them asses without them realizing it because the “fool” had a better knowledge of art that the so-called scholars. Nothing beats a good supporting character, especially an underdog.

Sorry, I did not mean to digress down memory lane… I have a weird taste in music. Growing up with three older brothers I was exposed to hip hop from a tender age. The foul language, the violence, the sexual comments, aaaargh, gets my blood pumping!!! Then put that to a phat beat and you got yourself gold in the form of music. What I liked about old school hip hop was the anger that the rappers had. These were guys struggling against a system; frustrated but instead of lashing out they used their words to express their anger. As an angry child through to my teens I could really relate to the music because I was angry as well. It was not always doom and gloom, there were also tracks about love, partying, and the problems of life I general. I could really relate. It is easy to think that everyone else’s life is rosy but we never know what other people are going through. Hearing some of these individuals talk about their stories and what they overcame is inspiring. As I have progressed in life, I have also had the pleasure of watching these rappers develop in their careers as well. What really surprises me is how “soft” they have become. I use soft in the loosest term here, really it is for a lack of a better word. By soft I mean that they are not as angry anymore. Their anger was coming from frustration, a frustration that comes from someone who is running out of opportunities based on a system that was designed to make them fail. Now they realize that the system was all in their heads, rather they had become a victim of their past and their circumstances. After the realization that they have overcome these demons, their anger goes away. That does not mean they won’t stomp the shit out of you though. I personally would not mess with them.

When I was 16, I was going out with one of the most beautiful girls I have seen in my life. At that time, I was also developing a relationship with one of my friends. This guy was a ladies-man. I have seen pictures of some his exes and dang! This dude has game. So, we just started talking about girls, all teenage boy conversations are about girls…maybe some sports and video games as well, but mainly girls. At that time, every phone conversation I had with my girlfriend on the phone I really felt like I was boring her. It felt like I was forcing her to be with me and she was looking for a way out and fast. I could not figure it out. I was telling my friend, the Mack Daddy, of my little predicament hoping that I he could part with some of his infinite wisdom that he had acquired over the years. He suggested that I start listen to more romantic songs and less of the angry stuff. Lol, it was that simple. I had no such music in my collection so he lent me some of his CDs. This led me to listening to other genres, especially the ones that only seem to be about two individuals building a life together. I started listening to Maxwell, Ginuwine, Peabo Bryson, Brian McKnight, Joe, etc. Man, when these men are talking about a woman! Wow! I also listened to some women, Sade, Tamia, Tony Braxton, etc. I want a woman that will love me like the women love the men in these songs; and I will love her like the men love the women in these songs. This change in music really elevated my game to whole new level. Which brings us to the opening line, “If music be the food love, play on.”

If you had not noticed by now, I believe in love. I hope that one day I will fall in love and have a family of my own. At the same time, I am not a fool. I realize that love is a lot of work and you really need to find the right person. I would rather be single all my life than marry the wrong person. When I get married that is it, I am in it for life. I really do want kids, right now I am struggling with the fact that I may have to get a surrogate. My child will likely be made fun off because he/she does not have a mom. Am I willing to make my child go through that? I do not know. But the more time that passes the more this option becomes more and more viable.

My first crush! I remember her so well. She was 11 I was 10, we went to the same church. She was so beautiful. I never said a word to her for the whole year we went to church together. Yet in my head we had the most beautiful relationship. At our first communion ceremony, did I say we were in the same first communion class? Well, we were in the same first communion class so we saw each other a lot in close settings as well. But still I never said a word to her. On the day of our first communion, the church had us dress up in our Sunday best and we walked in with the priest during the opening procession. We were waiting outside and lo and behold she stood next to me. This was my chance…my mouth was so dry from the nervousness…as Slim Shady said, “Yo! His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy” I choked, I could not say anything to her. Life has a sense of humor, as she stood next to me, she was fiddling with something and as she did her elbow accidentally brushed against mine!!!! I was so happy. I was 10 then. I stopped going to church and never saw again. I always think, I should have said something, but it is all water under the bridge now. I told myself at that very moment that if ever I met a woman that I thought was that beautiful I will have to talk to her and take my shot. I have only met 4 other women that had that same effect on me. I talked to all of them. I did not get the number of one! 75% success rate, not bad actually. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. The three I got the numbers for I dated 2 of them and the third well, it just never worked out. Personality wise we just did not click. Very smart though. I enjoy her company; we are still friends till this day and we hang out every once in a while. I never loved any of these women but our relationships were awesome. We just never had enough time to fall in love.

With that being said I have been in love, 3 times. The first time I fell in love, I had found the one for me. She was so smart and so ambitious. Every time I looked at her it felt like I was looking at her back and she was leaving me behind. I always had to play catch up. I wanted to marry her and I would have been very happy marrying her. She challenged me to do better, and I knew I could trust her. There was just one problem, she believed in God and I did not. I was not out as an atheist yet at that time but deep down inside I knew I did not believe. I could see the end coming, even though she could not. It just so happened that I moved to Houston and I used the distance as a reason to break up. Funny how life turns out. At the end of the day, it was an amicable break up and both parties have moved on healthily.

The second woman I loved is the same. Very smart! Ambitious… I am beginning to see a pattern… She came from a troubled background but she was trying to do better for herself and her future children. She was hot too!! I loved her more than I loved my first love even though I only dated her for 6 months and I dated my first love for 2 years. See my first love believed in no sex before marriage. For 2 years we only had sex towards the end of the 2 years. She was my first. I felt so frustrated during the relationship but I kept telling myself that when we get married, I will have all the sex I want. With number 2, she was a freak!!! She gave me road head once! I really did love her. Sex is very important to a relationship. But just like the first one, the writing was on the wall that this was not going to last. Her stories never checked out. She would say one thing one time and then say another thing later that contradicted what she had initially said. I really could not trust her. I do not think it was on purpose, I think she was just afraid to show me her “flaws”. No one is perfect, we all have flaws, acceptance is the first step to recovery. At the end, a similar situation happened like with my first. She had to go out of state for work and with the distance we just could not keep the relationship going.

The last person I fell in love with was a combination of both one and two. She was a freak…well her eyes made her look like a freak… smart, sexy body! I realized I loved her when it was too late. I basically messed things up with her. I think we could have been amazing together, but she did not think so. We did not have a good enough connection according to her. I thought we had so much fun together. When I think about it, the only conclusion I can come with was she was purposefully trying to hurt my feelings. If that is the case, I don’t blame her, I hurt her feelings first. It was not intentional, I just made a bad decision, I fessed up to it, the truth will set you free but you have to accept the consequences of your decisions. The consequence of my decision was missing out on potentially the best relationship ever. At the same time, I realize that maybe after a month into it the love may fizzle out. I get that, but at least I will know… maybe she is not that into me, I don’t know; it does not help to think about it. The whole experience made me relook at my life. How I treated the women that come into my life. I am single without anyone to love because of my own actions. That is ok though, the single life is pretty amazing too. I have learnt from my mistakes and I do believe in love after love. If she is out there, I will find her…or she will find me… if not, I will still live a happy life. I am the master of my own happiness because I love myself.

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