I prefer the company of men! Not in a sexual way, get your mind out of the gutter, but in a just chilling type of way… dang it, get your mind out of the gutter!! Ok, third time’s the charm; what I mean to say is I would rather hang out with the fellas than go on a date. And fellas can both be male and female (and various in between genders). I know this girl she is down to watch football (soccer) with me, talk about the guys she is banging, you know, fellas’ stuff. My best relationship was with a fella that ended up becoming my girlfriend. If I am to get married it will be to a fella. The only problem is female fellas are so hard to come by. So not only do you have to find one you have to find one that is attracted to you. Big problem man. Thus, I tried to make myself gay.
Why do I prefer the company of men? because to me the relationship is pure. I know they are not going to use sex to get what they want from me. Like Chris Rock said, all she needs to do is fuck me, feed me, and shut the fuck up. Only she does not shut the fuck up. As someone with bipolar, it is necessary sometimes to have silence so I can think. That comes at a time when things are dire and you do not need people in your way all up with that bullshit! This, to me, is why my dad beat my mom. Bipolar is hereditary. My mom does not shut the fuck up! Which is good. I am not justifying what my dad did. It is the only part of him I hated and this man cheated on my mom and broke so many promises to me. I would not make the same decisions he made, but I will love as hard as he did and I will live my life with as much passion and hope as he did. As an adult, my mom has told me more and more stories about what they were going through as a couple. It makes a lot of things from my childhood make sense. I can let a lot of things about my dad go. That is break through right there. But the one thing I struggled to let go off is why my dad would beat my mom. I found a woman, 2 women actually, that I could justify beating the shit out of. Like, I would go to jail and go in front of the judge and plead not guilty and prove that these women had it coming to them. If I fail, I would gladly do the time and face whatever consequences that decision brings upon me. From these experiences my parents, the two smartest people I know that also I know want nothing from me, taught me that marriage required 2 things, understanding and compromise. I have not found an understanding woman… well I have, twice and things did not work out. I am 33, I have only found this girl twice. Those are really bad odds. Please note that I am not justifying spousal abuse. My dad was in the wrong, my mom’s demands were not unreasonable. He was the one who was not understanding. As this relates to bipolar, you will never understand so let it go 😊.
So, I tried to make myself gay. Not like dating those guys that wear makeup, chances of finding a fella there is slim. But a guy guy. This makes sense to me. Like, I am not a fan of the holding hands in public shit, I don’t think fellas do that. So I need someone who does not do that. Also, the guy must like women. Pretty weird huh. But if gender can evolve why can’t the way we have sex also evolve. This brings me to Black Mirror Season 5 episode one. Writing a review is hard because you have to bring out why the reader needs to watch the show without spoiling the premise. With this episode it is hard to give an effective review without spoiling the premise. I think the folks behind the episode knew this that is why they gave the episode so many premises that are very human and very relatable regardless of the science fiction nature of the dilemma. What makes Black Mirror Season 5 Episode 1 so great is that (if you have read my review of Lucky Number Slevin you will understand) it provides me with a situation that I do not want to be a part of. I cannot put myself into the protagonist’s shoes. I will not like my answer and it will ruin sex for me for the rest of my life. So, I do what any other healthy adult does, I bury it inside me until it eats me up and manifests as something else on someone who does not deserve it. Like I said, marriage needs understanding and sometimes we all need to just vent. I cannot go deeper in why this episode is so good without giving it all away, but do yourself a favor and go watch it for yourself. Let me know in the comments what your decision would have been, if you are brave enough.